Document Blue
by axica
Summary: do you know what sex is without a kiss?


Blue Boy  
  
Truth is, on the level of normal I've got common sense, I've got knowledge, I've even got feelings at times, but this constant ache I get when I think of you, is quite irritating and perplexing. I'd look you straight in the eyes, and in my most grief stricken tone I would vow that I did not love you, but we'd both know that I lied. That too, is truth.   
  
The thing is, I don't like to lie actually but it hurts me inside to know that I need you, that I'm lost without you.   
  
I used to always say what I thought, do what I wanted on impulse and never pretend. But times have changed.   
  
You have always been the bridge between me and reality. I was completely clouded up inside before I met you. It just drives me insane you see, because the feelings are so strong, and it becomes harder to deny that the wholesome truth is not what I say out loud but what I feel inside even as I lie.   
  
I'll admit that I'm constantly hoping for something so beautiful between us that I could put it into writing, however terrible. Every night I'd stare at the wall or the computer screen or maybe into the dark even, pretending you were there, and through it all, I would know that you have no clue to what I'm thinking, to the fact that I need you beside me, holding me, utterly completing me.  
  
I've never been able to comprehend reality well. It's as if it's always raining on my heart, it stings and it aches, but I really want to tell you certain things about us. But how can that be real? It's just badly portrayed poetic prose. Yet it is raining and my world is blurred so badly that sometimes it's like I can't see at all. And it is true that I'm sad because you don't know how I can hurt.  
  
I cannot tell you that you have the most precious blue eyes that crystallize and shimmer, and I cannot tell you that they water and shine when you are thinking about grief. Your thoughts are so deep and your eyes seem to reflect no end.  
  
I could swim in them forever.  
  
And your lips, how I really want to kiss them just to know how they would taste, how they would feel. That soft texture, that delicate look.   
  
How I watch your lips move when you talk.  
  
Oh, and those cheekbones, those angular, fragile cheekbones…  
  
You are something I could look at forever and still never figure out. You are clouded by my imagination, and though I will always be unsure of just what you are in reality, in my mind you will always be magical, celestial, eternal, precious. Enigmatic.  
  
I would hold you for eternity and still I would fear losing you, and I have my reasons.   
  
I cannot tell you what I should say. How I've waited to say those words, how they slip to the tip of my tongue, pressing gently against the inside of my lips, against my grin, echoing inside my head, rubbing the shine off my teeth so involuntarily. How I would scream them when you left after you looked at me curiously. Always wondering.  
  
I keep thinking of all those hints you made and how long you've remained single, and how you stayed when I asked you to. How you listened when I needed you to care. How you always understood what I was thinking when I was upset.  
  
So I wonder why you left after you had promised on that one lonely night to always stay. To continue living.  
  
I think back to when we met, it certainly wasn't a romantic moment, but how I treasure it. How I loved that second glance you took.  
  
Why did you leave when you promised to stay?   
  
I keep wondering why you never made the first move when I've been open all this time. I keep fearing that perhaps there was no first move to be made between us. Maybe if I could have held you and gazed at you for long enough and comforted you then maybe I could've saved you.  
  
You, the little blue boy of my dreams with the azure eyes.  
  
I will write it now, all over the walls I will write because you know I promised so.  
  
I love you Heero Yuy, by God I do!  
  
If you could only hear it now, my tongue isn't holding me back. I keep reminiscing to when we'll make love, and I keep thinking of that one night that we did, how harsh it was, how delusional. Perhaps I never woke up. I couldn't even remember you kissing me, only the thrusting inside of me, the feel of hot skin. I should've kissed you Heero.  
  
Do you know what sex is without a kiss?  
  
Do you know that I even treasure that one time? Those five minutes in the early moments of that cold morning. You froze me, you know? You've made me numb forever. It seemed like you were always with me. I just had to look at you, and I could conjure up that image, that moment when you looked at me like I was something pure.  
  
It doesn't matter to me the day, my age, your fear because I want to share everything with you. We've done it once already so please don't think I don't remember. I know you asked me if I liked it, don't even begin to deny that because I loved it and so did you. But I liked a lot more than that, see, I loved how you held me, how despite the time shortage you still tried to make everything painless.  
  
I dont understand why you left Heero, I need you to come back and burn inside of me like fire again. I don't need war or fighting to keep me alive because I have you. I don't need fantasies because you have become my fairy tale, and I'm wondering if you've let anyone kiss you, touch you like I did. So I'm thinking of you Heero, I'm wondering what made you blue. I'm wondering why you let me say I didn't care. I'm wondering why you let me be cold. Most of all, I'm wondering why you knocked on my door that last late night saying you wanted to talk.  
  
And I'm wondering why I never welcomed you in. 


End file.
